Testing Times

Dear Hannah,

I have spent my weekend blissfully unaware of the hustle of the city, employing only the trappings of the 21st century which would make the time more comfortable and gleefully shunning all those which masquerade as a convinience in my everyday life but in fact are simply a means of intrusion for all those that I am routinely trying to evade ie University lecturers, Internship coordinators of dubious authenticity and anybody trying to tell me which Disney princess I most resemble. Thursday afternoon, as the ink was still drying on my final exam script (not really, I used a biro, I just love the imagery) I packed up, turned off my laptop - all the way, not just on to stand by so I could still open it and have it booted up instantly ready to yield information for my 4am pre exam freak outs - and left for Cornwall.

To go from the dog eat dog hotbed of anxiety and despair that is the university library at this time of year to a rural cove which can inspire nothing but awe and calm in the beholder was precisely what I needed.

The view was the kind preserved in Keats and Blake, that awe inspiring stuff which hints at divine orchestration and reminds us of how small we are, and how insignificant our concerns. Walking for the sake of walking, taking in the air, eating around a table, talking and laughing rather than shovelling hastily in front of that all knowing screen was like tasting a freedom to which I'd forgotten I was entitiled.

Forget the pontifications of various journalists who are keen to assert the viewpoint that exams these days are getting easier; one's ability to come up with the answers to various questions is only about half the battle, the real test comes from dealing with the overwhelming stress of exam season and mananging to keep enough of your sanity intact to be able to revise, retain the information and then enter the exam hall without suffering some sort of breakdown.

Because we all know that we can pass exams; we wouldn't be at university if we couldn't. But putting the better part of your future at the end of a pen, we can't all do that. There are no lectures or seminars or textbooks that tell you how.

So this weekend was an offloading of all the panic I've been carrying around for the past few weeks and for that it was perfect.

However, what there is to be said for exam period is that it eclipses all other aspects of life and occupies all thoughts, removing the such impulses and emotions as vanity and lonliness.

While Cornwall in its rural beauty and blissful detatchment from the pressures of university life offers the necessary haven for a temporary retreat, it does us no good to bury our emotions completely, lest they decide to surface, univited, at a later date.

As I write this I have just bade farewell to Joe as he embarks upon a three month sojourn to America for the summer. This has indeed proven to be the straw that broke the camel's back; the seperation anxiety with which I have dealt so well over the past year has manifested itself in despair in which I am now wallowing.

I do hope that this is it, that the last person has left me, that I have spent my last night for this year frozen in panic about exams, jobs, internships, essays.

I did have the most wonderful time in Cornwall and regret that this post is so despairing and introspective.

I miss you terribly and look forward to hearing your news which I have no doubt will lift my spirits.

Love always,

Chloe.xx